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My Thoughts on Whitney

February 21, 2012

I was so sad to hear about Whitney Houston’s death. She was a beautiful woman with an exceptional voice. Her voice and her songs are woven throughout my history, almost like a character versus a soundtrack…especially as a kid and teenager.

Tosh and I had a few dance routines worked out to Whitney’s first album. I sang, “Where Do Broken Hearts Go?” for a recital. When I was in college, a few girls piled in a teensy car and sang, “Queen of the Night” at the top of our lungs. I remember hearing, “I Will Always Love You” for the first time. I was waiting for my boyfriend to fill the car at the gas station and it came on. I cried, thinking about how I’d always love Nate. I know every word, every run…

It’s been interesting to hear everyone’s views on the topic. And disheartening. People have been harsh about everything from Whitney’s failures to how bad some people sang at her funeral. It’s stunning, really.

My heart goes out to her family and her friends. And to every person struggling with addiction. Enough is enough.

I talk openly with the kids about drugs. When this happened with Whitney, I talked again about the dangers of drugs and they both said, “I know, Mama, I know.” And I said, “Everybody KNOWS, but they do it anyway!” We don’t have the excuse anymore that we don’t know the dangers when we try something. We don’t know ahead of time what we will be addicted to and what we won’t. Some try, thinking nothing bad will happen. Others try, hoping it will. People do it anyway because they’re hurting or insecure or needing to fill a void…something has to change. Enough is enough.

It’s a lot to think about. I pray for those dealing with addiction and those who are close to someone dealing with addiction…it’s hard to know what to do. God help us all.

Anyway, Whitney…I’m really sad to see her go.

Posted in Addiction, February 2012 | 4 Comments »

Lovair Vs. Miss Middle of the Road Cuisinart

October 19, 2011

Early morning good-byes…

I love people that can come into your life and make it better each and every time they’re around. People that you can be completely yourself around even if it’s been almost a year since you’ve been together…Staci is that person for me and my family and we’re grateful for her.

I always have to give her kudos too, because without her I never would have thought to start a blog.

Peet’s coffee is a strong theme in our time together…she brings it fresh from her local shop in California and Mmmm, it is my favorite. Speaking of Peet’s…I’m having some right now as I type this…

We had some adventures with the Peet’s this weekend. My new coffeepot~ can I just say I am reminded on a regular basis that she is no Melitta? You know, my Lovair? (Go ahead and take a minute to read these posts if you needed further proof that I’m loony.) Anyway, now we’ve tried to move on from Melitta and even Cheap White…to Miss Middle of the Road Cuisinart. I’ve been so nonplussed by her that I haven’t even come up with a good nickname. Yes, she’s kind of pretty, but so are bumblebees.

Staci brought some delightful Peet’s and since the last time she was here I’ve added Middle of the Road Cuisinart. Staci has been here through the Melitta years AND the Cheap White, so she didn’t realize Miss Middle of the Road was here and that the Miss grinds beans…so Staci brought it ground this time~ very finely ground~ upon assurance it would be fine. Well, I was so excited about this, I promptly placed those heaping tablespoonfuls into the grinder like I usually do with the beans and let her go at it. Well, dear Miss M of the R didn’t know what to do with that~ I was supposed to put them in the filter. So all that came out was clear water. No problem, Staci switched them over to the filter and added a few more scoops…the next thing we knew, the countertop was overflowing with coffee that looked like a thick dark chocolate river.

We finally got it worked out, although I was lamenting the waste of good Peet’s, sniff. We enjoyed a RICH brew that morning that was delicious.

A couple of days later when I had my Monday morning coffee lovelies over, I heaped those spoonfuls in again, forgetting that Staci said to do 4 scoops (2 Tbsp each) instead of 8. When she came into the kitchen, there was the dark chocolate river again, working its magic on my floor and counter tops.

Again, I was not so sad about the mess, but that 8~ EIGHT HEAPING SCOOPS (16 tablespoons)~ of Peet’s was wasted. Moan.

She’s looking at me now…Miss M of R…in a slightly mocking way, judging me for my over-indulgence. Oh, how I miss Melitta. And Staci. (Not in that order, of course.)

Posted in Addiction, Coffee Love, Friends, October 2011 | 6 Comments »

Pop the Bubble

October 4, 2011

I confess that I have often wished I didn’t have to meet another single new person. Ever. Again. I have so many people in my life, I don’t have time to love all of them the way I should, why would I want more? I don’t know how many times I’ve thought, I don’t need another single friend. I’ve got enough good ones already.

So when the phrases, Enlarge your circle, Widen your bubble, Pop your bubble, began bouncing around in my head…Hello, God, don’t mess with me. I like my bubble…I may or may not have had some internal arguments raging. OK, at times it’s like a volcano inside my head. So there.

I wrote these phrases on a post it note and put it in a drawer so I wouldn’t have to deal with it just yet.

It’s been haunting me ever since.

After all, I’m a constant contradiction.

I love people; I dislike people.

I never want to leave my house; I want to travel the world.

I love God; I don’t always love Christians.

Let’s just start with that for now…no need to go into ALL the contradictions, we’d be here all day…

I enjoy having friends over, eating a good meal and having REAL, down-to-earth, raw conversation. When I’m with close friends, my heart is full to the brim. I genuinely love that.

It’s the forced, surface talk, strained get-togethers that make me want to dunk my head under water and not ever come out. I’ve always felt that way, but the older I get, the more I truly cannot bear the forced.

And then you meet someone new who just completely wipes out all your preconceived thoughts and you feel like you have known them forever after talking for 10 minutes. I met that person last Friday and have seen her twice since then. Already, I know she is a lifelong friend~ the connection is that strong.

So, yeah, God…I’m good with more friends. If they’re the right ones. Feel free to nudge again sometime.

Shoot.

It’s way bigger than that.

Dagnabbit.

Every Sunday, I’m forced to flush any prejudices down the toilet and love people right where they are. People from all walks of life come to my church and for a blissful hour and a half, we are ALL the same. And it is in this time of clarity that I know this is how God sees us all…ALL THE TIME. We are all hurt, broken, damaged people. We are all struggling with the same issues, if it isn’t one vice, it’s another. We are certainly all struggling to love like we should. I’ve never been around so many hung-over, addiction-bound, grief-stricken people in all my life. I know them. I am one. No, I’ve never done heroin, but there are other addictions, other sorrows, that are more easily hidden. It puts us all on the same map.

There is a small congregation of cigarette smokers who gather outside the church when service is over. I tell the kids not to inhale as we’re walking to the car.

There are some who get clean for a while and then go back to their former life. Some we never see again, others keep trying. Thank GOD.

At first it bothered me that my kids were exposed to all of this AT CHURCH. Not just seeing addictions firsthand, but some people don’t always smell the best. Sometimes they ask me for money. Sometimes they say inappropriate things and I’m uncomfortable.

But where better to learn about life? Where better to know there is a God who loves us all? Where else will people get help and find a Savior?

And even then…when they do, everyone will not look, sound, smell, BE…like me.

We get in the car and we talk about the issues by name…because they have a name. It isn’t just Addiction, it’s George and Sharon and Michael…

Enlarge your circle.

Widen your bubble.

Pop your bubble.

Try it. It will turn your life upside down. But you will see beauty in the dirt. You will see a God you can believe in. You will find love like you’ve never known.

Now, I’m not saying I have it all worked out. I still burrow deep and try to get inside that bubble again. It is safe, after all. But that’s why I’ve written it down. That’s why I say it out loud. And when I get in too far inside my own walls, that’s when God nudges me again. It’s worth it.

Posted in Addiction, Change, Friends, Ministry, October 2011, Touchy Subjects | 19 Comments »

Struggling with Addiction

July 27, 2011

My son has been trying to give up his thumb for a long time now. Before Kindergarten last year, he decided he was going to give it up…the bribe was right~ he could have Bowser’s Inside Story DS game if he gave it up. He did it. It was hard, but he would come cuddle with us when he felt like sucking his thumb, do other things to distract himself and before we knew it, we were buying him a game.

Then he had a really scary episode with asthma. It involved nearly passing out on the bathroom floor, an ambulance ride and an ER visit. On the ride home, he sucked his thumb. And we let him!

Since then he has struggled again with letting it go. He thinks he can’t stop one day and the next, he’ll find something that he thinks will help him get over it. On Monday, he bought a stuffed Luigi and said he thought it was going to help him stop sucking his thumb.

I don’t understand it. I’ve tried sucking my thumb and I have no desire to do it again. It doesn’t appeal to me.

It isn’t my addiction.

It might seem silly to use a thumb sucking boy as an example for the addictions that are hard to break. But the point is valid~ we all have those things that we struggle to give up. And we don’t understand other people’s addictions when they are not our own. Many times, I’ve heard people criticize others for the habits they can’t break. They don’t understand how someone can be an alcoholic or use drugs or why can’t they just stop smoking or eating or fill-in-the-blank?!…but they have their own addictions…ones that can be kept secret or that fall in the “Acceptable” category.

I have friends who have struggled with every sort of addiction and they want to be free of it. Other friends aren’t ready and may never be, but they’re addicted just the same. It can be hard to be the observer at times. You want to just shake them out of their mess or talk them into doing the right thing. But it isn’t up to me. All I can do is love them and care for them. Talk straight? Yes. Be there for them? Absolutely. Pray? Oh, without question, yes. But ultimately, I cannot fix them.

I didn’t know Amy Winehouse personally, but her story hits so close to home for me. I have a brother who was addicted to heavy drugs for many years and felt like any day we could get a phone call saying he was gone. It has shaken me up to hear some making comments about Amy, such as, “She should have said, ‘Yes, yes, yes!’” referring to her Rehab song and then laugh, as if it’s all a big joke. She lost her fight. She has a family who is crushed and brokenhearted.

I’ve seen videos of her from a long time ago and she was such a beautiful girl. Her voice was exceptional and unique and she had a sarcastic, quirky sense of humor. I am so sad that drugs took over her life. It feels like she was sort of thrown away once her drug use became openly rampant. People didn’t take her seriously and she became the brunt of a lot of late-night television jokes.

I wonder what we all could have done differently to help her.

For my friend who is especially struggling right now with a painful addiction, I will never give up fighting for you. Never. I may not know what to do to help, but I will always pray, always listen, always love. I pray for wisdom, deliverance, and peace to those struggling and not knowing how to get out of that destructive behavior. God will deliver. He will set free. All at once and one day at a time…the cycle can be broken.

As for my thumb-sucking little man, we’re proud of every baby step…every day he goes without sucking his thumb is progress. Every time he says he’s quitting, we support and believe in him. And when he fails again, we try to understand and get him through it. That’s all I know to do.

The cool thing is~ my Father in heaven loves me that very same way…only more.

Posted in Addiction, Amy Winehouse, July 2011, Touchy Subjects | 12 Comments »