I Corinthians 13:1-8

Translated by Lori Sabin

1) Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

You can say you love me in Sanskrit, Swahili, Shakespeare or Shonda MaHonda—but if you can’t show me you love me, I might as well be standing next to an air raid siren on the first Wednesday of October.

2) And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

Okay, Arnold Einstein, so you can explain the theory of relativity while lifting the lawnmower over your head with one hand, but would you mind helping me get these groceries into the house?

3) And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

I never asked you to walk barefoot over hot coals for me or to mortgage the house to buy me the Blue Nile Signature Floating Diamond Solitaire Pendant Necklace that I can’t stop Googling. Save your soles and take me out for a Juicy Lucy once in a while.

4) Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

If you love me, listen while I recite every line of my favorite rom-com. Share the covers. Give me the last snickerdoodle in the cookie jar. Make my favorite dinner. Let me take the credit for this article that I couldn’t have written without you. Let me win Bananagrams from time to time, for goodness sake! Bring me Taco Bell when I’m craving it—which would be now, by the way. And don’t brag every time your spicy green beans turn out really, really good—I mean, they’re excellent, but really, settle down.

5) Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

That time you turned over the table when you lost at Risk? Or when you didn’t speak to me for a whole day when Ione Brigley gave that delicious loaf of homemade bread to me and not you? Or when you got mad at me for getting mad at you for leaving the toilet seat up in the middle of the night and I fell in? Not cool.

6) Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

If you’re so crazy about me, why did you laugh that one time I burned all my bangs off with the curling iron?

7) Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Stick with me, even when I gain a hundred pounds in pregnancy, walk around like a Weeble-Wobble, and can’t get up off the couch. Believe me when I tell you that next time I really will remember our anniversary. Look at me fondly, even when I blow Falafel breath on you. Keep thinking that someday I’ll grow into my nose.

8) Charity never faileth; but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

Everything will turn to dust. All the money, the degrees, the fame, your bowling ball collection, and your smoldering good looks will fail, flop, disintegrate, and disappear—in the end, they will count for nothing.

But love will never fade, never falter, never quit: love will always win.

 

“Never gonna give you up,

Never gonna let you down,

Never gonna run around and desert you.

Never gonna make you cry,

Never gonna say goodbye,

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.”

~Rick Astley

 

 

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4 Responses to “A Valentine’s Guide to Love for Dummies”

  1. Debe says:

    This is so good! I love it!

  2. Brenda says:

    Ah, how I’ve missed you! I snorted and guffawed ungloriously (yep, know it’s not a word, but it was rather that!)

  3. Tami says:

    I’ve missed you!!! 🙂

  4. GirlyMuse says:

    🙂 Thank you! I’ve missed y’all too!

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